Postponed Grief
by LadyKryptonite294
Summary: Sam experiences a batch of grief he had hoped to leave behind, realisation always hurts.


**MY VERY FIRST SUPERNATURAL FIC!**

**Title:** Postponed Grief

**Rating:** T

**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort

**Author notes:** Hey…This is my very first Supernatural fic, and was an idea developed from a moment of boredom, i know it may not add up exactly to the show and Sam's character, but i have only watched half of the first series so far, so am still learning :D…so be kind and please let me know what you think, comments are always welcomed…_just not too harsh_ :D

**Summary:** Sam experiences a batch of grief he had hoped to leave behind, realisation always hurts.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Supernatural characters or worlds…unfortunately, what I wouldn't give to own Sam and Dean _sigh_…

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**Postponed Grief**

He hadn't stopped, hadn't cried, hadn't allowed himself the briefest moment to grieve.

But after months of running, moving as far away as he could, he finds himself finally cracking, those tightly sealed emotions that had been hidden deep in his heart were seeping through and he couldn't push them back any longer.

It hadn't been anything major or significant that caused his sudden demeanour, but the simplest of things. In fact it wasn't anything connected to Jessica at all but it unhinged him to a point of hysteria.

Dean wasn't around; he had gone to find something for their dinner, leaving Sam in their latest choice of a hotel, in a mood like any other day, that's when it happened. He was sorting through their Dad's journal when the realisation he was alone hit him and hard.

The journal left his hands mindlessly, landing almost silently onto the bed. He didn't make a move to pick it up, or any other movement for that matter for several minutes, that's when the first one came, the first tear of many that night, a tear for Jessica, for a life that no longer existed.

He hitched a breath after realising he had been holding one, the wetness fell from his chin onto his open palm, but he didn't notice. Still sat legs bent in front of him, head rested against the headboard of the dingy hotel bed, he allowed the smallest of sobs to leave his mouth, piercing the silence of the room. Another breath racked through his chest, this one more violent than the last. He brought his hands to his face and it wasn't until then it finally sank in that he was crying, his hands now damp form his tear stained face.

His thoughts were numb of any other thought but that of Jessica. He rocked forwards slightly, hands dragging down his face, revealing red eyes. Her face dawned upon him in flashes, images of her alive, her sweet face, the way she would always be there, those three most cherished words a whisper from her mouth as they made love, it was overwhelming all at once.

Forcing his body to move, Sam swung his legs over the side of the bed, hoping to gain back control of his emotions before his brother arrived back, but it would seem his heart had a different idea.

His grief took a radical turn into anger; lashing forwards he swept the phone and lamp off the side table on one vicious movement, a roar of despair escaping him.

Now stood on all of a sudden empowered limbs, he made short work of anything else he could find lying around, venting his erratic emotions the only way he could. Cries of anguish echoed through the small room, cries shrill enough to disturb the dead.

He took a fistful of curtains and ripped them from their place, screaming wildly as he did so, tossing them to the ground he sobbed as he thought of his love, for the death he believed he brought upon her.

Moving back into the centre of the room, his hands shakily ran though his sweat damp hair, releasing cries softer than before, but still just as disturbing to be heard from a man his age.

Without another sound he turned purposefully, shooting a clenched fist towards the first wall he found, trying to numb the internal pain ripping apart his insides. Again and again, his arm charged back and forth without pause, his fist colliding with the plaster board wall, skin tearing away with each strike, but he didn't feel it, nothing compared to the pain rotting away deep inside of him.

He was oblivious to the amount of times he continued to punch the wall, only pure exhaustion and the physical incapability to life his own arm was enough to render him still.

Silence once again dominated, the remains of the wall scattered all around him. He took a long shaky breath, the throbbing in his hand lost to him thanks to the adrenaline coursing through his veins. He stumbled backwards feeling the bed touch the back of his legs. He slipped down slowly, falling against the end of the bed, eyes blank, staring straight ahead, puffy from tears.

"Jessica…I'm so sorry" He breathed into his hands, the sound muffled but knowing to him she would get the message.

Dean arrived back and walked into the room oblivious to the mess. "So…I got pizza, but you'll have to make to with pepperoni…" He trailed off as he first spotted the lack of a wall besides him "What the hell?" That's when his eyes finally fell onto the figure crouched at the foot of the bed.

"Sam? What happened?...Sam?" Dean discarded the food and dropped down besides his brother, fearing the worst had happened.

When he for no reply, he began to worry he hadn't seen his brother cry since they were kids, this just didn't feel right. "Sam" He spoke calmer, shaking his shoulders slightly.

Sam was still wrapped in his own thoughts he hadn't heard Dean enter the room, but the contact shocked him out long enough for him to register he was there.

Dean spotted his brothers bloody hand, wincing at the sight of it, looking back at the beaten wall; he managed to put one and one together. Sighing he took a seat next to Sam, not saying a word, willing to let him speak when _he_ was ready.

"She's gone" Sam suddenly said just above a whisper, Dean looking over surprised at his statement, but immediately understanding.

"She's gone" Dean clarified, relieved that his brother could finally allow himself to grieve, he knew this day would come but no matter how much he had wanted to protect his little brother from feeling that pain, sometimes facing the demon is the only way to kill it.

"She's gone…" Sam whispered with finality in his voice, drying the last tear to be shed for a past love.

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**Well? What did you think?**

**Please hare your thoughts, i always like to hear what you have to say :D**

**Cee xx**


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